I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
You Might Also Like
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in