Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
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Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
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*What time is it?~How my send button should function