me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
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Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”