Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
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12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I鈥檓 gonna order later isn鈥檛 here yet?
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Autocorrect completely socks
Me: this math stuff isn鈥檛 gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Me: so they don鈥檛 punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 馃槣
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
them: what鈥檇 you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn鈥檛 finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
What personal space?
My dog
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now