BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
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Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?