I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
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The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol