Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
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My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
favorite tropes as memes
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.