A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
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I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
So the ex texted me