If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
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You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
can you read it!!??
maan!
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Just ordered me some pizza!