Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
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drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300