I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
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What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.