I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
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calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
choose your fighter(holiday edition)