Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
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Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I didn’t realize that was an option
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.