Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
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My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen