God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
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Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON