Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
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[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.