Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
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Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
when you order from DoorDastardly
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.