I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
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me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.