My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
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“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I would move hell over six inches for you
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Word.
~ Microsoft.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets