(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
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I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
A friend helps you before you need it
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate