We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
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What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
This could be us but you eatin’
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
*bites zombie*
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life