The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
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I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.