The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
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I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Note to self: always read the final line
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks