[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
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If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
bugs when you lift up a rock
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.