PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
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*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions