Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
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Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward