Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
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“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue