[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
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Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”