VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
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Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you