ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
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Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.