5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
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It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
shut up and take my money
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds