[Controversial and unpopular statement]
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Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I’ll be mad as hell!
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.