Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
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cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie