I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
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A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.