*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
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Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
reduce, reuse, recycle
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE