Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
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Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”