Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
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Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.