Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
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My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
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haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits