My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
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When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.