If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
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Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
My safe word is Worcestershire
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious