I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
You Might Also Like
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.