Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
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ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?