*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
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DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Mouse
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape