I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
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blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree