me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
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date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Geez man, take it easy.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.