“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
You Might Also Like
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway