Florida man
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“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.