Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
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firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*