Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
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NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
My new favorite headline
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Tell the colonel to bring it