‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
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Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”